someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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