its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
