Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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