Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Can I color on your dick again?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
