why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
