Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
