I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
