i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
