I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
