A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
