I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
