I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
