I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
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