At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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