you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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