Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
