my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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