I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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