o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
