you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
