ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
