jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize