Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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