There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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