I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I deserve this hangover.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
