I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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