i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
