you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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