I CAN MOONWALK!
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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