can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize