The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
