she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize