so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
