I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
