So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
