when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
