I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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