Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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