i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
