I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
