yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
