It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
