I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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