apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
