Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
