I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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