He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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