He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
