dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I did not marry a roomba.
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