if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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