So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
