I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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