She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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