Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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