Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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