So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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