She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
