That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think a kid would responsible me up
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
