I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
