Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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