How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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