I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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