Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
