Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
